Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying  

in bed reading.  

 

Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."  

 

Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."  

 

Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."  

 

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -  

 

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.  

 

He asks, "What are you doing?"  

 

She answers, "I'm moving to London . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400.00  

for doing what I do for you for free."  

 

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees  

her husband packing his suitcase.  

 

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see  

how you live on $800.00 a year".  

 

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -  

 

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a carton of  

low fat milk, a dozen eggs, a gallon of orange juice, a head of lettuce, a  

pound of tomatoes, a jar of coffee, and a pack of bacon.  

 

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk  

standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.  

 

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You  

must be single."  

 

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by  

the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six  

items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selection that  

could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.  

 

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're  

absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"  

 

The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."  

 

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -  

 

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really  

upset. She told him "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway  

that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds flat... AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE."  

 

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up,  

she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped  

in the middle of the driveway.  

 

Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and picked up the  

box.  

 

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale! And the bravest of them all..........  

 

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, who slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next, fatty."